This is in.pencil

This post was originally written on April 13, 2020 shortly after the creation of in.pencil.

As I sit to write this, it's nearly 8 PM on a Sunday night, during the unprecedented and transformative time of the COVID-19 pandemic. This is our backdrop, the context within which I find myself compelled to reach out and communicate. But why am I writing this? Why share my thoughts and experiences with the outside world? What gives me the right to let my voice be heard, my opinions read by anyone with an internet connection? Who am I to believe that my words might hold any weight or significance? Me? I'm nobody.

Well, that's not entirely true. I am somebody. But who exactly? That’s the fundamental question I aim to explore in this document. Who am I?

There's a plethora of things I could tell you about myself. I could describe how I make a living, thus opening myself up to judgment on the value of my contributions to the economy and the financial health of the country I reside in. I could disclose my age, my interests, my origins, my romantic history, my sexual identity, and gender. These are all facets of a larger, intricate portrait. Viewed in isolation, these details might invite quick judgments about my character, especially if I start admitting my mistakes and expressing regrets. This isn’t completely fair, but it’s a common human behavior to form opinions based on incomplete information.

But let's revisit the central question: who am I? Well, I’m known as Adam. But that’s merely a label, a name shared by many others. So what sets me apart?

I am the cumulative result of my experiences, teachings, education, upbringing, mistakes, regrets, personal achievements, professional milestones, and everyday interactions, all woven together into one mind temporarily in control of an autonomous body. I interact constantly with others who are similar yet different, each with their unique mosaic of experiences and identities.

So once more, who am I? I’m Adam, and not just Adam.

Why are we here, having this conversation? Recently, my long-time friend Jess and I decided to embark on a creative journey together. Jess is not only my friend but also my partner in creating the in.pencil project. Personally, I’ve come to the realization, through some profound personal events, that my time on this planet is finite. I have no clear concept of how far I’ve traveled on the progress bar of life. It took the heartbreaking losses of my brother and my best friend to finally awaken me to this reality. Like many others, my fear of death is deeply intertwined with the fear of being forgotten.

That’s why we are here. We are fortunate to live in an era where we can document our lives in unprecedented ways. However, the downside is that everything is documented. To protect our careers and personal lives, we’ve chosen to adopt the pseudonym, in.pencil.

This endeavor, in.pencil, isn’t just one thing. It’s a living, breathing documentary. In some respects, I see this project as a diary, albeit less personal to safeguard myself. It’s more than a mere project; it’s a sustainable journey.

Even as I write this, my life is in a state of constant flux and evolution, and so am I. Through the act of scripting, I’m carving out a path I wish to tread, rather than merely being carried along by the currents of life. in.pencil is a window into my world, open to anyone curious enough to peer inside, to engage, or even to participate.

I'm sure, given that Jess and I are somewhat chaotic by nature, this in.pencil project will also reflect that chaos at times. But I envision it as a living organism, something that can continue to thrive long after I’m gone. I want those who know me in person to stumble upon these recordings, documents, and videos, and to pause for a moment to reflect on how little they truly knew about who I am (or was). Most importantly, I want this project to be a catalyst, motivating me to pursue the things I’ve always dreamed of but was too timid, afraid, or hesitant to chase before. From this point forward, I want my only regret to be that I didn’t start this journey sooner.

So here I am, Adam. And this is in.pencil. Welcome to my world.